The X-Factor

I have spent the last few months doing some introspection. One of the big questions in my heart has been, "Lord, how is it that years ago I could come into your presence any time that I wanted? Now it seems like such a struggle." God began revealing things in my heart and He has shown my why it seems to be a struggle.

I miss the times that I could lay face down before the Lord in awe and reverence of Him. I miss being a hyper teenager who could dance for hours. I've tried blaming my problems on the music...the new songs just aren't my style. Or, the new songs seem to be more humanistic and "about-me" than the older ones. But, the way my heart was back then, I could have worshipped God to anything...maybe even the "mayonnaise" song. God has shown me that back then, I knew that He would allow me to come before His throne in worship. I knew that He would transform my heart in worship. I knew that He would cleanse and purify me. I knew that He would complete the work in me.

I knew that I had to give God my all during praise, because I wanted to come before Him in worship. I expected God to receive me into the Holy of Holies. My problem now is that I don't have that expectation (there's the x-factor) of coming before the throne of God. I have doubts in my mind that God would allow me to come before Him. I used to go all-out in praise and confess any sins during that time and I spent that time preparing my heart for when I would come before Him. Now, I am distracted by the world around me and it's difficult to prepare my heart during praise. I long for the presence of God. I long to cry at His feet and wash His feet with my tears. I recognize the battle within me and I know that it will take time, but I expect God to invite me into His dwelling place again.